The results were mixed. While most people indicated that they do engage in positive oxytocin-producing behaviors, all of the manager surveyed admitted to engaging in all five of the behaviors that generate cortisol. These conflicting behaviors create a sense of uncertainty – and that uncertainty is a cortisol-producing stressor in and of itself. The brain hates uncertainty!
The concept of “conversational intelligence” is important for all of us but essential for leaders. Conversations that increase cortisol levels reduce our ability to think clearly and rationally. In contrast, behaviors that generate oxytocin stimulate activity in the prefrontal cortex and facilitate belonging, engagement, and collaboration.
This research echoes other analyses of the correlation of positive and negative comments to marriage and divorce. Studies show that the optimal ratio of positive to negative comments is amazingly similar—five positive comments for every negative one. For those who ended up divorced, the ratio was something like three positive comments for every four negative ones.
Clearly we’d never get better at anything without critical feedback. But a wealth of research suggests that when positive interactions outweigh the negative ones, the brain works better in a number of ways. Here are three simple ways to boost your CQ and achieve a 3 to 1 ratio in your organization:
1. Be on the lookout for praise-worthy behavior. When you see something, say something. Spontaneous praise can deliver an incredible boost of good neurotransmitters.
2. Be specific and sincere. “I appreciate your leadership today. The way you did (xyz) made a big difference to the team and our customers. Thank you.”
3. Make it routine. Commit to write 3 thank-you notes each week on a given day. Put it in your calendar as a reminder, and treat it as you would any other important task on your list of things to do.